ok so as some of you know, i've been having some trouble being faithful to Matt. Mostly cuz of my inability to control my actions around Jeremy...and my  inablility to say no to him. I've cheated on Matt too many times in the past...and recently i did on Halloween. I CANT keep doing this when i know in my heart i'm only behaving this way because i have no one else to turn to. I need to be as far away from everyone as possible...i keep letting things..mostly Jeremy, screw up the things i want most.

I've decided i'm moving to NY for sure. I have to organize my stuff and send it thru the mail and try to pack up what's left of the rest of it. I have to figure out how i'm going to go about it exactly but i know what the end result is.

The only reason why we didnt go before is cuz i couldnt make enough money to do all of that and there were outside factors that just showed the timming was all wrong. I have nothing but the job and my friends keeping me here. And i know they'll be ok if i leave. I know Artiera will have a hard time...and i'm sorry for that. I know she needs me, but i'm thinking of saving to bring her there and do some shopping one of these days. Show her the sites Matt showed me. Maybe chill in chi town for a while.

ugh..my grandparents...they havent seen much of me lately and now i'll be gone....they're gonna take it hard too. it has to be done tho...i'll be so much better there. It's really not that bad..and i was SO comfortable when i was there last i almost stayed.

Hey people, i have some more news going on. I'm going to NY HOPEFULLY the 20-27th of December for Christmas. It'll be exciting. I talked to my boss at work and she said it shouldn't be a problem if i take it off far enough in advance. I forgot to mark it on the calendar at work today, but i can do it tomorrow.

I'm also buying a really old caddilac from my uncle. It's a couple of problems but we're getting them fixed thank god. i need transportation and i need it SOON. I can't be walking in the winter. that would suck.

What else.... i moved back in with my parents because my name wasn't on the lease at my apartment. The landlord saw me w/ a key and pretty much freaked out so i had to get out. Also rather crappy. I was kinda happy to be on my own. it just sucked that i was on my own in Fargo of all places. Everything i needed was in Moorhead.

Artiera moved to Minneapolis so i have one less person to talk to and hang out with. that sucks too. lol.. It seems that a lot sucks lately, but i don't really see it that way. Because now i can save money faster w/o paying rent, I'm closer to work, i can get off on my feet a little faster hopefully. I'm working hard. And i promised myself i'd get a car, an apartment and have things sorted out for myself. So i'll do it.

Oh, so i guess my biological mother and i are on speaking terms now. I don't hate her. I just don't know her. And that's ok. I invited her to do some shopping w/ me when i get the money for it. I meant it. I don't mind spending time with her. She just has to settle down a bit and not get so excited when she sees me. I had so much cheek pinching last time. ugh... THAT SUCKED. lol. Um...yea so i told her that i eventually want to get married to Matt and stuff and she knows he lives in NY. She started crying and freaking out cuz she thought i was gonna do it like next week and i was suddenly going to move to NY and never see her again. I guess she got a bad health report and she's only expected to live 7 years. She has cancer in her liver. Most likely from drinking. She always was a party animal, and she partied HARD. Heh, now she's a sunday school teacher. Go figure, right? Oh well.

I also realized my uncle lives in the same town as me. Uncle David on my bio mother's side (i have 4 uncle dave nelsons-- odd huh??). He did a lot of cheek pinching too. he did most of it really. He was drunk tho, and it was his birthday, so it's excusable. He's really a great guy, really gentile. He taught himself to play the accordian when he was little. I guess there was nothing to do on the farm growing up and there were all of these old instruments in the house, so he just fiddled around w/ it and now he can play pretty much anything if you give him 5-10 mins.

My uncle dave on my step mom's side taught himself how to play the paino. He can play anything he's heard before...and he makes it sound so beautiful. It's really just simple math and comparison of intervals and stuff. My choir teacher always said that people who involve music in their lives really do have a slight advantage in life. It's mathematics, and trains your mind to listen to detail, and helps you be creative. It's cool. Music rocks.

Anything else i feel like talking about??.....Well, it doesn't seem that way. I'll talk to you all later. Have fun in college and stuff.

Alright so my last entry was a little short. I'm sorry about that. I haven't really been energetic enough to write much these days. I remember when i used to go one for days and no one would even read my stuff. lol. What can ya do?

I've spent the greatest time in NYC these last few days when i visited. I met Matthew's family. They're great. Even tho his parents like to lecture a lot and repeat themselves, his mother makes good points. His father i don't follow as much. I really like his brother Mark. He's a cutie. I recognized him in the airport right after i saw Matthew looking for me.

It was so cute. I saw him looking thru the windows rather frantically for me. I could tell he had been waiting a long time. I felt bad. I didn't mean to miss my first flight. My alarm on my cell phone turns off sometimes if it's not plugged into the wall...and i forgot to plug it in, so it shut off and i got up 5 mins before my departure time. I was freaking out beyond belief.

I had such a great time while i was there. I met Matt's friends and random friends that weren't in the schedule as we were walking down the street. We went to the movies, central park, his favorite best buy store, we were going to go to his work but ran out of time, we went to a Bodega...which is a mini supermarket that sells everthing. it's like an itty bitty walgreens for all of you that still didn't understand what i was talking about.

And yes we had sex until it hurt...and it did for a couple of days.....it was rather embarrassing on our first night in the hotel. We had just gotten out of the shower and apparently the curtains didn't shut all the way...and it took me about 10 mins to realize there were guys accross the street staring at me naked. I freaked out and tied the curtains shut w/ a hair tie. Matt sia dhe heard them whistling at me....it made me sick. lol.

what else.....i went to china town with Matthew and his friend Neville. We were lost at first cuz on one block it was nothing but hispanics, and then two blocks down it was all asians. it was a trip. I bought artiera a diamond looking dragonfly necklace that had a jeweled tail that dangled. it was really pretty. Matt picked it out. My man has good taste.

I was so close to staying in NYC when he asked me to. I knew i couldn't tho cuz i'd hate myself for freeloading off of his parents while i try to complete the neverending task of finding a job in the city. Work is really hard to get there. Makes me feel bad to know people have it rough like that, but that's life. Anywho, i knew i couldn't do it, and it killed me to know i had to leave. I had to come back to see Artiera before she went to Minneapolis anyway.